What does it mean to be manly? Our culture is filled with presuppositions (in
all directions) about manliness. A manly
man is strong, has an impressive beard that he can grow overnight, can chop a
tree down with a single stroke, can win any fight he gets into, has a job where
he makes a lot of money, and in his spare time is a ladies man, right? But is this what it means to be manly? Then there is the increasing popularity of
the “omega male” characters in many movies and television series today. These are guys who are celebrated (sometimes,
not always) for the fact that they are doing nothing with their life and are
going nowhere, and seem to really be happy with that. Is that what it means to be manly?
The Bible presents a higher view of manliness that
those we just mentioned. Simply put, in
the Bible, being manly is being like Jesus Christ. God made man in His own image and likeness, but
we have fallen and distorted the image of God upon the earth. Jesus Christ, however, “is the image of the invisible God” (Colossians 1:15). Therefore
the more Christ-like a man is, the manlier a man is, because Jesus was the
manliest man to every walk the earth. In
Ephesians 5:22-6:4, Paul seems to be
making this very point in tying a husband and a father’s role in the home to Christ
(5:23, 25, 29, 32). Let’s consider what manliness is from this
passage.
[5:22] Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the
head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is
himself its Savior. [24] Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
[25] Husbands,
love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
[26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of
water with the word, [27] so that he might present the church to himself
in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy
and without blemish. [28] In the same way husbands should love their wives
as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] For no one
ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does
the church, [30] because we are members of his body. [31] “Therefore
a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh.” [32] This mystery is profound, and I am saying
that it refers to Christ and the church. [33] However, let each one of you
love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
[6:1] Children,
obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honor your father
and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), [3] “that it
may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” [4] Fathers,
do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22-6:4 ESV)
I.
Being Manly Men
I’ve already mentioned some of this, but before we
dive into this text in Ephesians, let’s review some foundational ideas that we
want to promote in this church concerning manhood and womanhood. When it comes to manhood and womanhood, the
view that the Bible puts forth is one of complementarianism,
which basically means that both men and women bear the image of God and are therefore equal in their
personhood and worth, but differ in their distinct roles, which complement each
other. It celebrates both equality between men and
women and the beneficial differences between men and women. These
beneficial differences are rooted in our Creator’s design, not in culture.
On Mother’s Day, I gave you Wayne Grudem and John
Piper’s definition of mature womanhood in their book, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, so today I want to give
you their definition of mature manhood: “At
the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to
lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing
relationships.”[1]
Now this description falls short in that it doesn’t address men’s
responsibilities toward children, so that is something we need to add. However, it’s a very helpful definition
because though not all men are husbands and not all men are fathers, all men can
be manly. A man may not be a husband or
a father, but he can still care for and lead women and children in appropriate
ways. He can still be a person who is
responsible and takes initiative to serve and sacrifice for the good of
others. It is also helpful because this
description implies that mature manhood affects how we think, talk, and act towards and about women and children.
II.
Being Manly Husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33)
Here we will focus upon the instructions to men in
these verses. In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul deals with the husband/wife relationship
and in Ephesians 6:1-4, Paul deals
with the parent/child relationship. These
instructions flow out of the doctrinal foundations that Paul has laid in Ephesians 1-3, and are examples of the
practical application of that foundation (i.e. how we are supposed to live
together as a community of faith) given in Ephesians
4-6.
The first thing we learn about manliness in this
passage is that to be a man is to be a leader (5:22-24). To be a husband is be the “head” that the wife submits to. This does not imply inequality, for there is equality of being but differentiation of function even in the
relationships within the Trinity (1
Corinthians 11:3). Notice also that
the pattern for the kind of leadership he is to give is “as Christ is the head of the church” (22). This is not dictatorial, domineering, or any
other kind of worldly leadership that Paul has in mind. Manly leadership is Christ-like leadership,
and if you know anything about the Bible, Christ-like leadership is servant leadership (Mark 10:42-45). It doesn’t
involve barking orders from your recliner; it involves humble, loving service
that washes feet.
Another thing we need to notice about Christ-like
leadership is that godly, manly leaders accept primary responsibility for those
whom the lead and as a result take initiative.
Christ took responsibility for the sins of His bride upon the cross and
took the initiative to do what was necessary to reconcile her to God. We see this truth all the way back in the
Graden of Eden. When the fist man and
woman fell, God called out for Adam first (Genesis
3:9), and men, if there is a problem in your home, know that you would be
the first person God would want to talk to if He knocked on your door.
The second thing that we learn about manliness here
is that to be a man is to be a lover (5:25-32). Now when I say that, I don’t have in mind romantic
love, although that would certainly be expected from a godly, manly husband
towards his wife. Some of you need to
understand that many of those things that your buddies would call “girlie” are
actually very “manly,” and many of those things that your buddies would call
“manly” are actually very cowardly. That
being said, the love that I have in mind here is sacrificial, covenant love for the good of another, because the
pattern is “as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her” (25). A
godly, manly man is a leader and a lover who lays himself down for the good of
his wife & children, and whoever else he is leading. His leadership is anything but
self-assertion.
Notice that the goal of this kind of love is to
present his wife (and family) to Christ
in splendor (5:26-27). He isn’t
primarily trying to make her what he wants her to be but what Christ wants her to be. The goal of his love is her spiritual growth
and holiness. Notice also that this kind
of love is a profound form of loving one’s neighbor as himself. Loving like this means treating my wife like
a member of my own body (28-30). Again,
this is “just as Christ does the church” (29).
He nourishes and cherishes the church
because we are members of His body. A
godly man understands that family relationships are the most necessary place to
consistently show this type of love.
Also, don’t miss the significance of Paul quoting Genesis 2:24 in Ephesians 5:32. According to
Paul, God created marriage to be a picture of the covenant love between Christ
and the church. That is what is at stake
men, when you accept or reject this charge to godliness and manliness
today. The glory of God in the display
of the gospel is at stake when you fail to be godly, manly men.
III.
Being Manly Fathers (Ephesians 6:1-4)
Here Paul deals with the parent/child
relationship. Notice the shift from “parents” in verses 1-2 to “fathers” in verse 4. Children are charged to honor and obey their
mother and their father, but Paul singles out “fathers” when it comes to the responsibilities of the
parents. The implication again is that
fathers bear primary responsibility
for seeing their children raised in the discipline and instruction of the
Lord. This gives us a third truth about
manliness: to be a man is to be a
teacher and trainer of others. Men,
especially fathers, are called to take the initiative here. You are to initiate the discipline process
when both of you are home. You are to
enforce the commands to children found in verses 1-3. You should be the one initiating family
devotions. You are called to initiate
spiritual conversations in your home.
You are to initiate the family’s commitment to be a part of the local
church. And if you are not a father, let
me challenge you to accept the same responsibility for other children in the
church who may not have a dad or may not have a dad who will be a dad like this
to them.
Before we move on, I do want to point out this
very important phrase: “do not provoke
your children to anger” (4). What
does this mean? It obviously doesn’t
mean that you are to never make your children angry. That would be impossible! I think this simply means that we should not provoke
anger in our children in unnecessary
ways. It means we father them in ways
that minimize the potential for anger in them.
How do we do this? The Bible helps
us here with amply instructions and examples, but I want to give you two
practical ways that have helped me in seeking to obey this command.
First, we
must seek to conquer anger in our own hearts. Don’t forget that these instructions come
after Ephesians 4:26-27: [26] Be angry and do not sin; do not
let the sun go down on your anger, [27] and give no opportunity to the
devil. They also come after Ephesians 4:29-32: [29] Let
no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for
building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
[30] And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for
the day of redemption. [31] Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and
clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. [32] Be
kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ
forgave you. These are the behaviors and attitudes that
you are supposed to model before your children, even in disciplining them. The anger of man does not produce the
righteousness of God (James 1:19-20).
Second, we
must seek to avoid hypocrisy at all costs. Hypocrisy is a sure way to
provoke anger in your children. I think
this is why the great parenting passage in Deuteronomy
6:4-9 begins with a charge for parents to love Yahweh alone with all their
heart, soul, mind, and strength. This
means that men need to become genuinely passionate for God and that we also
need to be humble when we do fall short and model confession, repentance, and Biblical
efforts at reconciliation.
IV.
Being Manly Christians
A message like this tends to sting a little
because it exposes many places in which we do fall short as men, husbands, and
fathers. But that sting of conviction is
meant to drive us to our knees in desperation before our God. If we were honest, we need to admit that it
stings because we are all selfish men who struggle to be as manly as Jesus. Many of us have abused our leadership by
being passive, overbearing, or short-tempered morons. Many of us have bought into cultural ideas
about manhood and in trying to be manly men we are actually looking less and
less like Jesus. If you find yourself in
that category like me, I want you to know that the gospel gives us hope today
in two ways.
First, the gospel helps us get back on our feet
today by reminding us that Christ has borne our failures upon His cross. We must remember that even as men, we are
part of the bride that Jesus died for. Each
and every way in which I fall short of being a godly, manly man was nailed to
the cross of my Lord Jesus Christ (Colossians
2:13-14). He bore our punishment for
failing to be godly, manly men. This
should cause us to run to the cross in confession and repentance for shelter
when we are made aware of our failures.
Second, the gospel is news that through faith in
Christ, we receive new hearts and the help of the Holy Spirit to become these
kinds of men. It doesn’t mean we will
ever completely get there, but it does mean that there is hope to look more and
more like this throughout our lives. This
process of spiritual growth is a miracle, but it is one that we actively take
part in. It is a process in which we
work out our salvation as God works in us both to will and to work for His good
pleasure (Philippians 2:12-13). May we resolve to do our part today with all
our hearts and may we resolve to never go down without a fight. I love Thorin’s line in Peter Jackson’s “The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug.” When the dwarves realize that there will be
no escape from Smaug the dragon, he resolves, “If this is to end in fire, then we shall all burn together.” That is the kind of resolve that I am calling
you men to today: a resolve that doesn’t retreat from the fight for godly
manhood, even if it looks like certain defeat; a resolve that will not go down
without a fight. God give the church men
like that!
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