So far we have established the PURPOSE and the PATTERN for Marriage and also identified the PROBLEM every marriage in Genesis 3. Last week we saw how God intends to bring about the REDEMPTION of marriage: through the gospel (vertically) and for the gospel (horizontally). The redemption of marriage begins with a person receiving a new heart by GRACE and then continues as that GRACE overflows to our spouses and our children. We said that this meant that marriage should be full of GRACE.
Today we will begin to look more in depth at the Bible’s complementary view of manhood and womanhood in marriage. In other words, what we will be doing is looking a little more specifically at how GRACE is supposed to overflow from a man to a wife in marriage and how GRACE is supposed to overflow from a woman to a man in marriage. At this point, I do want to refer you to Wayne Grudem and John Piper’s “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood,” because we will be focusing primarily on manhood and womanhood in marriage. Biblical masculinity and femininity, however, is something that all men should express to all women and all women should express to all men in varying degrees. We are focusing on them being expressed in marriage and family because that is where it is supposed to be most pronounced.
We have already said that God’s pattern for marriage in Genesis 2:18-25 establishes a complementary view of manhood and womanhood. Again, complementarianism means that men and women both bear the image of God and are therefore equal in their personhood and worth, but differ in their distinct roles, which complement each other. It celebrates both equality between men and women and the beneficial differences between men and women.
The final thing I want to point out to you before we get started is that the passages we looked last week and the passages we will look at today and in the weeks to come are instruction on what you are to be, not what you are to demand from each other. The issue is not how much you need to get your spouse to change, but how much you need to change. That is the greatest battle that you each will face: will YOU change? With that said, let’s turn our attention to Ephesians 5:22-33. This is one of the richest passages in all of the Bible on marriage and it flows out of Paul’s instruction on Spirit-filled submission (5:21).
1) God Calls Men to be LEADERS: (5:22-24) – Lead as Christ Leads His Bride
i) To be the Head/Leader is to Have Authority (22-24)
“Wives, submit to your own husbands…for the husband is HEAD of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” This passage, along with the rest of the Bible, clearly establishes male headship in marriage. What does headship mean? I would say that it means at least three things. First, it means authority, that the head is the leader. This passage clearly defines someone who is “head” as someone you “submit” to. We saw this established in the first marriage as well. The man was created first. The woman was created both from and for the man to be his helper. Man named the woman. And everything in creation fell apart as a result of this order being turned upside down in Genesis 3. So let us not view male headship and female submission in marriage as bad things, but as good things that, though they may need explanation, are to be embraced.
1 Corinthians 11:3 is so helpful here. This passage uses the Trinity as one example headship, with the Father being the “head” of the Son. This clearly explains that there can be equality of being and yet differentiation in function. In the Trinity, the Son subordinates Himself to the Father without ceasing to be His equal.
ii) To be the Head/Leader is to Bear Primary Responsibility
The second thing that headship means is responsibility. It does not mean sole responsibility, but it does mean primary responsibility. Remember Piper’s definition that I gave you a few weeks ago: “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christ-like, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.”[1] We’ll talk specifics in a minute, but for now I just want you to taste this and feel this and hopefully come to the place where you would own this: that leadership doesn’t assume it is superior, it assumes that it is responsible, and it takes initiative. You are responsible for your children’s spiritual well being. You are responsible for your wife’s spiritual well being. You are responsible to put food on the table. We as men must learn from the failure of our father Adam and take initiative in our homes.
iii) To be the Head/Leader is to be a Servant (22)
Husbands are head of their wives “as Christ is the head of the church.” That phrase profoundly defines what type of leadership God has in mind for a husband. God is pointing men in this passage to the greatest man who ever lived, Jesus Christ. This means that regardless of what our culture calls “manly”, the reality is that the more like Jesus you are, the more of a man you are and less like Jesus you are, the less of a man you are. What kind of leader was Jesus? He was a humble, servant leader (Mark 10:42-45). Servanthood is leadership. This also fits the context of Ephesians 5:22-33, flowing out of the Spirit-filled submission of Ephesians 5:21. To say that the husband is the head of his wife does not grant him the liberty to be a ruthless dictator but a humble servant.
2) God Calls Men to be LOVERS: (5:25-32) – Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves His Bride & Body: this is the overarching command that Paul gives to husbands in this passage.
i) The Nature of This Love
(1) It Sacrifices (25)
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Men, this is what it means for you to love women. Husbands, this is what it means to love your wife and children: to lay your self down for them day in and day out. And while this does mean that a man is ready to step in front of a bus for his family, I think this also means what we saw in Philippians 2:3-4 last week. “In humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is one of most practical ways that you sacrifice yourself everyday for her, by consciously placing her needs before your own.
I also want to point out that sacrifice has both positive (heroic) and negative implications. Sometimes sacrifice will mean enduring sorrows while suffering unjustly. Sometimes sacrifice will mean bearing blame for something that is not our fault. “Leadership must take the lead in reconciliation. I don’t mean that wives should never say they are sorry. But in the relation between Christ and his church, who took the initiative to make all things new? Who left the comfort and security of his throne of justice to put mercy to work at Calvary? Who came back to Peter first after three denials? Who has returned again and again forgiving you and offering his fellowship afresh? Jesus, the Leader, the great initiative-taker.
So, husbands, your headship means: go ahead. Take the lead. It does not matter if it is her fault. That didn’t stop Christ…. woe to you if you think that since it’s her fault, she’s obliged to say the first reconciling word.”[2] What he is saying is that you should do what Christ did and bear your bride’s blame. This is the type of sacrifice that preaches the gospel.
(2) It Protects (25)
I am getting protection out of this passage by simply thinking through the gospel a little further. In the gospel, Christ “gave himself up” for His bride. Why? He did so because her sins had placed her under the just wrath of God. In giving himself up for her, in her place and for her sins, Jesus protected His bride from that wrath to come. This means that a husband bears primary responsibility to protect his family both physically and spiritually. Spiritual protection would include prayer, warning against certain spiritual influences, setting standards to keep certain influences out of the home.
Piper has an illustration that is just too good to pass up on physical protection: “If there is a sound downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t say to her, “…it’s your turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean that – even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on the floor, or you’re no man. That’s written on your soul, brother, by God Almighty. Big or little, strong or weak, night or day, you go up against the enemy first. Woe to the husbands – and woe to the nation – that sends their women to fight their battles.”[3]
(3) It Provides (28-31)
Here the charge is for husbands to love as Christ loves both His Bride and His Body, because they are one and the same. This is a profound idea: that when the church becomes Christ’s bride, she also becomes His body. This is why Genesis 2:24 is quoted here, to show that that is the nature of this “one flesh” union. I am to view my marriage as two spouses with one body.
How does one love His body? One does so by “nourishing” and “cherishing” it. The word “cherishing” is only used one other time by Paul in 1 Thessalonians 2:7 to describe the tender “care” a mother has for her children. I am to provide nourishment and care for my bride (& family) as if I was doing so for my own body. Again, this plays out both physically (food & shelter) and spiritually (Bible intake, instruction, encouragement, seeing to their being in church). As a husband and father, I bear primary responsibility to provide my family with both physical and spiritual food.
(4) It Understands (1 Peter 3:7)
I am taking this last aspect of loving your wife from 1 Peter 3:7, which says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” I take this instruction to mean two things. First, it means that we are to learn and know our wives. Every husband should have doctorate in knowing who his wife is. Secondly, it means that out of that knowledge we are to honor our wives. My wife and I often argue when we are on a date over where to eat because we are trying to let the other one choose where to eat. Sounds silly doesn’t it? She wants me to pick the place, and I want her to eat where she wants, so I insist upon her telling me where she wants to eat. Here is what is convicting about this passage for me: I should know where my wife likes to eat! I should make a suggestion and she should think, “Wow, how did he know I was wanting to eat there?” Ironically, how often do women simply want their men to know what they are thinking without them having to tell them? And how many men are frustrated because she won’t tell them? I think this verse goes to bat for the ladies: meaning that men, we should know them. What are your wife’s strengths, weaknesses, and temptations? Do you know her?
In passing, it is also important to see where this is coming from. We are to do this because we are “heirs” together “of the grace of life.” She is our equal, our partner, and when we fail to honor her properly, our prayers are hindered.
ii) The Goal of This Love
(1) The Glorification of His Bride (26-27)
Notice that when Christ gave Himself up for His bride, He had the end game in mind. He did this so that “he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Christ’s goal in loving His bride this way was her sanctification and her glorification. This means that the goal of my love for my wife should be to see her sanctified (growing in Christ-likeness and holiness) and ultimately beautiful for Christ. My heart should be set, not on what I want my wife to be, but what God wants my wife to be. I should pray for and pursue her holiness. This means that my wife should be more like Christ today than when I first married her. I do find it very instructive the way that Christ is going to sanctify His bride: He is going to wash her with the water of His word. Part of my pursuit of my wife’s growth in the Lord should involve me seeing to the reality that she is continually being washed with the water of His word.
(2) The Glory of His Father (32)
The ultimate goal of Christ’s love for His bride was ultimately the glory of His Father. This too should be the ultimate goal of our love for our wives: that God would be supremely glorified. Our hearts should beat and our lungs should breath for the glory of God. That is what is at ultimately at stake in manhood and womanhood. When we fail to be the men that God calls us to be, we preach a warped message about the goodness and wisdom of God’s creative order to the world and we preach a warped gospel. We warp the portrait of Christ’s covenant love for His bride, the church.
I hope that what you have heard today brings you to a point of desperation and gospel dependence. The catch to loving your wife as Christ loves His is that you are not Jesus. But as Gary Ricucci says, “The glory of the gospel is that God supplies all we lack.”[4] God is able and willing to bring about the obedience that He commands when we put our faith in the finished work of Christ not only to save us, but also to empower us to love and lead like this. Let all of us men come to God today in repentance and humility and ask Him to make us these kinds of men and let all of you ladies pray that God would grant us the grace to be these kinds of men to you.
[1] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 80
[2] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 91
[3] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 91-92
[4] Ricucci, Gary, “Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace”, pg. 34
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