Redeeming Sexual Intimacy: 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:9

Lately we have been focusing our attention in this series on how God is redeeming various aspects of His original design for marriage through and for the gospel. In the redemption of marriage, we have seen how God wants to redeems manhood and womanhood so far. Today we are going to look at another aspect of God’s original design for marriage that He is redeeming through and for the gospel: sexual intimacy. God’s design for the first marriage was for a man and woman to “become one flesh,” being “naked and…not ashamed” (Genesis 2:24-25).

Now this is a touchy topic to address because there are extremes when it comes to thinking through sex in the church and in culture. Our culture represents one extreme, worshipping sex as god. Sex is everywhere in our culture and people worship it in many ways. I often notice this mentality in the fact that “sex” is the one word I can mention in a sermon that suddenly gets everyone’s attention! The other extreme that is very common in the church is that sex is gross. We treat it as a taboo topic, and as a result, many in the church deeply struggle with sexual sin alone, thinking they can't talk about this because we don't talk about it anywhere else in the church.

What I hope to do today is to simply show you the picture that the Word of God paints of sex as a good gift of God given to men and women in a marriage covenant for procreation, pleasure, protection, and the promotion of unity in their relationship. While we would all agree that sex is not to be god, we must also see from scripture that sex is not gross. Sex, in marriage, is celebrated in the Word of God. Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, as lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” In Song of Solomon 7:6-9, which is a book that celebrates married love and sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, we read, “How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine.” Are you seeing this? Solomon says, "You're body is a tree and I'm gonna climb that tree!" That's puts a whole new spin on being a tree hugger doesn't it? This is the Bible painting this beautiful picture of sex in marriage! Coincidentally, in 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:9, Paul was also dealing with two extreme views on sex in His letter to the Corinthians.

1) The Prohibition of Sexual Immorality (6:12-20): Avoiding Extreme License

As an aside, it is important to know that in the book of 1 Corinthians, Paul is dealing both with things that the house of Chloe (1:11) has reported to him about the Corinthian church and issues that they have written to him about from the church as well (7:1). In dealing with both of these extremes on sex in and out of marriage, Paul begins by quoting what I’m going to call a “Corinthian Slogan,” which is something that some faction in the church at Corinth was saying. One thing that a group of people in the Corinthian church was saying was: “All things are lawful for me,” (6:12) and that “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food” (6:13). What this slogan implies is that bodily appetites (such as hunger, fatigue, sex) are matters of indifference and therefore the body should be permitted to have whatever it desires. Basically, they were promoting an exploitation of the desires that God created the human body to have. They would contend that no sexual act (like taking a prostitute) could be called immoral because it is simply a craving that the body desires and the body should get what it wants. What is Paul’s response? I think Paul makes at least three points in response to this mindset:

i) All Things are Not Helpful (12)

While it is true that the body was created with appetites for food, rest, and sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean that these appetites are always helpful. They have been infected with sin since the fall. As a result, they can be exploited and we can become enslaved to them in our exploitation of them.

ii) All Things are Not Eternal (13-14)

Paul says here that both the body and the food it craves are going to eventually come to an end. Then he says, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” I think what Paul is saying is that the body wasn’t meant driven by temporal appetites, but by one eternal appetite: the desire for JESUS CHRIST. We’re “meant” for one another. Christ satisfies in a way that no sex can, and we should live in the light of that eternal reality. As C.S. Lewis once said, our problem is not that we can't find satisfaction in life, but that we are far to easily pleased. Don't settle for sex, go hard after Christ.

iii) All Things are Not Lawful (15-20)

Finally, some things are just plain wrong. Paul clearly states that sexual immorality is a “sin” (6:18). It is not a neutral, or a “grey” area. Sexual immorality is morally wrong, and is so for at least three reasons. First, sexual immorality is a distortion of God’s good design in creation. The Greek word the New Testament uses for sexual immorality is “porneia,” and is a broad term used to refer to any sexual act that is not in line with God’s design in creation, such as fornication, adultery, polygamy, homosexuality, prostitution, rape, molestation, masturbation, etc. It is anything that defiles the marriage bed (Heb. 13:4-5). I would also add heavy making out to this list because it is going way further than the line Jesus drew for sexual immorality in Matthew 5:28. The second reason sexual immorality is sin is because it is a breach of our “one spirit” union with Christ (15-17). The only place a sexual act doesn’t do this is within covenant union of a husband and wife, where instead of breaching our relationship with Christ, it further displays it.

Finally, sexual immorality is a sin against our own body and the Lord Who owns it (18-20). All sins are not the same. Sexual sin is unique in that the body is at the same time the motive, the instrument, and the victim of the sin being committed. Please don’t miss the warning that Paul is communicating here. Sexual immorality affects you in a deeply physical, emotional, and spiritual way because you are becoming “one flesh” with someone else (6:16). This is why promiscuity can carry a ton of baggage into a marriage. I’m not saying that God through the gospel can’t redeem this baggage; He can, but I am saying that is a fire than doesn’t need to be played with. This is a most dangerous sin, and Paul reminds the Corinthians and us as well “your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit” and that “you are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (6:19-20). We are not our own. Our bodies were made for the glory of God. And because of the unique nature of sexual sin, Paul calls us to be like Joseph (Gen. 39:1-12) and “flee sexual immorality.”

2) The Promotion of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (7:1-9): Avoiding Extreme Abstinence

The second “Corinthian Slogan” that Paul addresses is that another group of Corinthian believers were claiming “It is not good for a man to have sexual relations with a woman.” The Greek literally reads, “it is not good for a man to touch a woman,” with “touch” acting as a euphemism for any sexual activity. What this slogan was communicating was that abstinence was not only to be practiced outside of marriage, but inside as well, and that it is not good for even marriage partners to have sex with each other. They had basically hung a sign on the tree that said, "Don't Climb!" While this sounds silly, I have heard couples and even teaching along these lines. And what is more, many marriages unintentionally practice abstinence by neglecting sex. Now what Paul is going to do here is to basically affirm this slogan outside of marriage, but not affirm it among people who are married.

i) It is Good for a Man to have Sexual Relations with a Woman in Marriage (7:2-5)

God designed marriage to be the arena for the expression of human sexuality. As we said earlier, sex is a good gift of God to be enjoyed by married men and women. Paul promotes sexual relations in marriage for at least four reasons. First, sexual relations protect spouses from temptation (2,5). Paul says that “because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (7:2). This means that frequent sex is one of the God ordained means of overcoming sexual temptation for married people. John Piper says, “Faith uses sex against Satan.”[1]

The second reason that Paul promotes sex in marriage is because sexual relations are a spouse’s obligation to their marriage partner (3-4). “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal (sexual) rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” Now I want to clarify something here: these verses are not giving a license for demanding sex. The point is not that marriage partners have the right to demand sexual gratification from the other, but that marriage partners are to use their bodies to outdo one another in seeking to serve and please the other. Remember Philippians 2:3-4? I think one thing Paul is doing here is saying that this principle applies in the bedroom as well. There should be this mutual offering of ourselves to the other with the understanding that our goal is to please our partner and not primarily ourselves. This means that a spouse should be always ready to offer themselves to the other as a way to love and serve their marriage partner and protect them from temptation. Paul is saying that if you are married, you should climb the tree as often as you can! I have no idea how this works as you get older, but I do know this means that as long as you can climb the tree, you should and that you should as often as you can! This point also implies that using sex as manipulation is wrong, whether one manipulates by giving or withholding.

Thirdly, we also learn here that sexual relations in marriage are a matter of obedience (5a). Paul explicitly says, “Do not deprive one another…” (7:5). He says the only reason that you should take a break is if you mutually decide to give yourselves over to prayer and fasting for a season, but that even that should be only for a “limited time.” Simply put, to neglect sex in marriage is to disobey scripture.

Finally, Paul promotes sex in marriage because sexual relations are meant for the physical pleasure of the marriage partners (5b). Paul says that abstinence can lead to a problem controlling an unfulfilled appetite that needs to be filled. The implication there is simply that the filling of this appetite in marriage is a good thing. Paul does affirm here that God created the human body with this massive capacity for pleasure. The issue is not that the desire for this pleasure is bad, but that how one goes about satisfying that desire can be. The marriage bed is meant to be the place where this appetite for pleasure is fed.

ii) It is Not Good for a Man to have Sexual Relations with a Woman Outside of Marriage (7:6-9)

As we said earlier, Paul doesn’t affirm that it is good for a man not to touch a woman in marriage, but He does affirm it if they are not married, and he does so here in a remarkable way. He basically says that both sex and singleness are a gift from God (7). While it is certainly true that single people have a greater capacity to serve the Lord without distraction, it is also true that God doesn’t grant everyone the gift of being single for life (9). I like to think of this as God knowing what will most glorify Himself and His kingdom in our lives. For some of us, that is marriage along with all the pleasures that come with it. For others, that is a life of being single and satisfied with Christ.

What I would like all single people to see is that singleness is a gift of God’s grace. And I believe this applies to both people who will never be married, but also to people who are simply not married at the moment. God’s grace is sufficient for you in your singleness and as we said earlier, He satisfies in a way that sex never could.

If I could close with a few passing thoughts, one would be this: parents, talk to children about these things. If they are here today, I have given you a great springboard. For older students and adults, I would caution you to mind what content you take in our culture. And to students and other single people, I know that even a sermon like this can be a temptation for you. I hope that you have seen sex as celebrated and exciting, but I also hope that you have seen it as sacred. The very book that celebrates sex in marriage more than any other in the Bible constantly warns against the danger of desires being awakened too soon (S.O.S. 2:7, 3:5, 8:4). For people who are either amassing or dealing with a lot of baggage from your past, I want you to know that through gospel there is hope and healing for you. Christ offers you forgiveness by the blood of His cross and a new heart that will renew your mind and get you past the baggage of your past.

Finally, I don’t want you to miss the way that even this aspect of marriage speaks of the pleasures that we are to enjoy as the bride of Christ in the age to come. Remember that heaven is the honeymoon of God and His people. If the ultimate meaning of marriage is to be a picture of Christ and His church, then the ultimate meaning of sex would be to picture the final delights between Christ and His Church. And as John Piper says, “we would do well to tell the world what it is that they love so much.”[2] The temporal pleasures of the physical intimacy between a husband and wife are but a shadow of the eternal fullness of joy that will be in His presence and the pleasures that we will experience forever more (Psalm 16:11).

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[1] Piper, John, “This Momentary Marriage,” pg. 133

[2] Piper, John, “This Momentary Marriage,” pg. 129

Created Male & Female: Biblical Womanhood (1 Peter 3:1-7)

I thought it would be a good thing to do today to take a second and do a little more extensive review to catch everyone up so we can all be on the same page as we dive in to today’s passage. In our first week together, we looked the Purpose of Marriage, and said that marriage exists to bring glory to God by displaying the covenant love between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church (Revelation 21:1-4, Ephesians 5:31-32). Next we looked at the Pattern for Marriage, and said that marriage is to be a monogamous, heterosexual covenant union entered into before God and consummated by sexual intercourse, in which the covenant partners, with their complementary roles, experience intimate companionship as a new union set apart from their parental bonds (Genesis 2:18-25). We then saw the Problem in Every Marriage: The problem every marriage has is sin: our acting in the place of God in rebellion against God. Because the first couple did this, every marriage now lives under the curse (Genesis 3).

A few weeks ago we begin looking at the Redemption of Marriage, and said that God is redeeming marriage through the gospel (vertically) and for the gospel (horizontally). This idea of God redeeming marriage is really where we are going to spend the remainder of our time in this series (with a few exceptions). We want to look specifically at what a redeemed picture of marriage looks like: manhood redeemed, womanhood redeemed, intimacy redeemed, parenthood redeemed, childhood redeemed, and singleness & dating redeemed. All of these are things that were corrupted by the fall and that God is redeeming through and for the gospel.

We began last week with what redeemed manhood looks like: God calls men to be leaders and lovers of His women (Ephesians 5:22-33). Again, if we had to pick one word to sum up the role of the husband, it would be headship. “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christ-like, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.”[1]

Today we are going to look at what redeemed womanhood looks like. To do this we will turn our attention to 1 Peter 3:1-7, where Peter shows us what the overflow of grace is supposed to look like from a woman to a man in marriage. This is one of the richest passages on womanhood in the entire Bible.

1) The Exhortation of Biblical Womanhood: (3:1-4)

The word, “LIKEWISE,” in 3:1 is a red flag reminding us that understanding the context of this passage is crucial to understanding the passage itself. Peter begins in 1 Peter 2:13-17 with the general command to “Be subject to every institution for the Lord’s sake…” Then Peter, like Paul, begins to gives categories of what this command looks like (2:18-25). What Peter is communicating is that we have all been called to submit even to the point of enduring unjust suffering as Christ did.

i) Biblical Womanhood is a Call to Helpful Submission (1-2)

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands.” This is the sum total of the New Testament’s instruction to wives in marriage: to submit to your own husbands (Eph. 5:22-24, Col. 3:18, Tit. 2:5). Now there is a great need here to understand both what submission is and what it isn’t. The Greek word used here for “be subject” is “hupotasso,” and it means “to subject or subordinate” (to an authority). Every passage in the New Testament directed to wives instructs them to submit to their husbands and uses this Greek word to do so. In an earlier message, we defined “helpful submission” as “the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.”[2]

While that is a sufficient definition, I want to also point out a few things that submission is from this passage. First of all, submission is as much an attitude as it is an action. It is “pure and respectful” (3:2). It is an inner adorning (3:5). It is an inward disposition, or inclination, to defer to and follow your husband’s leadership in everything (Eph. 5:24). Second, Submission entails respectful affirmation. Sarah respectfully and verbally affirmed her husband’s leadership, “calling him lord” (3:6). Thirdly, submission entails willing obedience. Sarah’s submission involved “obeying” Abraham (3:6). Now this is somewhat different than the command for children to obey their parents and for slaves to obey their masters, but obedience is entailed. This does not mean that a wife has no input on family decisions. On the contrary, a wife is to be her husband’s “helper” (Genesis 2:18). Decisions are supposed to be reached by mutual consensus between a husband and a wife and healthy, mature leadership should not seek to make unilateral decisions. But this does mean that there will be times when a husband and wife are in disagreement about an important family decision after much prayer and discussion and when that situation arises, a wife should willingly and respectfully defer to her husband’s leadership in the matter, trusting God to lead their family through him.

I want to also say two things about what submission is not. First, submission does not entail disobedience to Christ. Submission is for the Lord’s sake (2:13) and is ultimately to and for Him, so a wife’s submission to Christ may mean that she refuses to follow her husband into sin. That truth applies to any authority we are called to submit to under God. Secondly, submission does not imply inequality. Her call to submit to her husband does not imply inferiority, but is “an appeal to one who is equal by creation and redemption to submit to the authority God has ordained.”[3] The greatest example of this truth is the one we saw last week in the Trinity (1 Cor. 11:3). There we see both subordination and equality of being.

Probably the most profound thing about a wife’s submission to her husband is the power it wields upon her husband. Peter says that an unbelieving husband can be won without a word by the “respectful and pure conduct,” i.e. the submission, of their wives (3:1-2). Now this is where the context becomes extremely important. Peter is calling Christians to submit to every institution for the Lord’s sake, even if it means unjust suffering, and in that context calls Christian wives to submit to even unbelieving husbands. Andreas Kostenberger says that Peter’s counsel is “that winning an unbeliever to Christ is a greater cause than insisting on justice in our human relationships.”[4] In other words, your lost husband’s salvation is more important than how you deserve to be treated as a wife. That doesn’t mean that how you’re treated is not important, but it does mean that believers are called to suffer unjustly, following in the footsteps of Christ, in order to accomplish a greater good for God’s glory. I think this submission works out to win a husband in two ways: (1) His wife’s submission reminds him of his own lack of submission to an even greater authority (God) and (2) Her submission displays the love of Christ to Him (he experiences a grace from her that he does not deserve).

ii) Biblical Womanhood is a Call to Inner Adorning (3-4)

The word “adorning” here is referring to what one uses to make oneself beautiful. It is what a woman considers to be the source of her beauty. Peter says that a woman should not make the source of her beauty external (3:3 - hair, jewelry, clothes), but internal. He calls this internal source of beauty “the hidden person of the heart.” They are to adorn this person with the “imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” I want you to see two things about this inner adorning here in 3:4. The first thing is that it is imperishable. It is not subject to aging or decay. The second thing is that it is beautiful to God.

I want to make sure we give more than just an intellectual nod to this point. This is a call to inner beauty and this means that part of what it means to be a woman is to not be enslaved to a focus on external beauty. There is nothing wrong with looking nice, but there is everything wrong with thinking that looking nice is where true beauty is. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 reaffirms this call upon women to, firstly, dress modestly and, secondly, do so in an effort to draw attention to inner beauty rather than outer beauty.

Also, I think that an implication of women being called to pursue inner beauty is that men are called to prize it. Again, our culture is so upside down here. May God help His men in the church to have their minds renewed so that we treasure what He does, so that we call beautiful what He calls beautiful.

2) The Example of Biblical Womanhood: (3:5-6)

i) Holy Women Hope in God (5a)

Peter now transitions and gives an example of the kind of women that He has been calling wives to be. His example is “holy women,” presumably from the Old Testament, “who hoped in God.” I cannot over emphasize the important of that phrase: “who hoped in God.” That is the vertical spring from which godly womanhood flows to men, in marriage or in any other arena. John Piper calls this the deep, strong roots of biblical womanhood. He says, “She looks away from the troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever he pleases (Ps. 115:3). She knows her Bible, and she knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his promise that he will be with her and will help her and strengthen her no matter what. This is the deep, unshakable root of Christian womanhood.”[5] This is the root. This is the spring. This is the place where it call comes from: her hope and trust in God.

ii) Holy Women, Out of Their Hope in God, Adorn Themselves with Submission (5b-6a)

They adorned themselves “by submitting to their own husbands” (3:5). Now we have already said a great deal about submission, but what is important here is that we see where submission comes from: a woman’s hope in God. It comes from the inside. It is the inner adorning that we spoke of earlier. And what’s more is that the submission being spoken of here is a continual pattern of submission. Sarah is the example given here: she “obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.” The reference here is probably to Genesis 18:12 and what is important about that reference is that this is something Sarah said to herself, when no one was listening. She wasn’t trying to put on a show for anyone so they would think that she was a submissive wife. She was in a tent, by herself, and had so clothed herself with submission that she was submissive even in the very thoughts that she was thinking. It was a window into her heart, showing us how second nature it was for her to refer to Abraham this way.

iii) Holy Women, Out of Their Hope in God, Do Good (6b)

Peter tells the women that he is giving this instruction to that they can become Sarah’s daughters. What he means is that women can follow in her footsteps of being a holy woman whose hope is in God. What will that look like for them? First, it will mean that they must “do good.” The first thing that good means in this passage is obvious: submit to your own husbands. Titus 2:3-5 is another place where what is “good” for a woman to do is described. Here, the good things that younger women are to be trained in are being “self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Proverbs 31:10-31 is another place where what it means for a woman to do good is described.

iv) Holy Women, Out of Their Hope in God, Do Not Fear in Anything that is Frightening (6c)

The second thing that women are to do to follow in the footsteps of the holy women who hoped in God is to “not fear in anything that is frightening” (3:6). When you stop to think about it, there really is much to fear for a woman in this call to Biblical womanhood (especially in biblical times). They are called in 3:7 the “weaker vessel.” That doesn’t mean inferior, but it means that women are more vulnerable than men in some areas that can be exploited by men. Physically, most men are stronger than their woman. Emotionally, women are much more sensitive than men, meaning that a husband can often cut a wife a lot deeper emotionally than a wife can a husband (another example: talking about marriage too soon in dating). Authoritatively, we have already seen that women are supposed to submit to men in marriage. What if a man decides to abuse that leadership? The idea here is that there can be much to fear for a woman who seeks to live in this type of submission, but not if her hope is in God! Listen to the words of Proverbs 31:25, “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.” Piper here says, “she laughs at everything the future could bring because she hopes in God.”[6] I love the words of Psalm 3:1-6, “O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying to my soul, there is no salvation for him in God. But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.” Wow. I will not be afraid of thousands of enemy troops that surround me. Why? Because the LORD is my shield and sustenance! Because the LORD is my hope!

I want to suggest to you that hope in God is not just the heart of Biblical womanhood, but is also the heart of any true, mature Christianity. If fear and anxiety rule and reign in your life, then (with the exception of special cases) you are either not a believer or have not come to understand the reality of Romans 8:32: that God in His sovereign power and goodness has not even spared His own Son for you. He has given Him up for you and will also with Him graciously give you all things necessary to be conformed to His image, no matter who you are married to, no matter how they treat you, and no matter whether you ever get married at all. Hope in that, live in that, and let it be the air that you breathe.

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[1] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 80

[2] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 80

[3] Knight, George W, III, “Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood,” pg. 169

[4] Kostenberger, Andreas, “God, Marriage, & Family,” pg. 63

[5]John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 97

[6] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 97

Created Male & Female: Biblical Manhood (Ephesians 5:22-33)

So far we have established the PURPOSE and the PATTERN for Marriage and also identified the PROBLEM every marriage in Genesis 3. Last week we saw how God intends to bring about the REDEMPTION of marriage: through the gospel (vertically) and for the gospel (horizontally). The redemption of marriage begins with a person receiving a new heart by GRACE and then continues as that GRACE overflows to our spouses and our children. We said that this meant that marriage should be full of GRACE.

Today we will begin to look more in depth at the Bible’s complementary view of manhood and womanhood in marriage. In other words, what we will be doing is looking a little more specifically at how GRACE is supposed to overflow from a man to a wife in marriage and how GRACE is supposed to overflow from a woman to a man in marriage. At this point, I do want to refer you to Wayne Grudem and John Piper’s “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood,” because we will be focusing primarily on manhood and womanhood in marriage. Biblical masculinity and femininity, however, is something that all men should express to all women and all women should express to all men in varying degrees. We are focusing on them being expressed in marriage and family because that is where it is supposed to be most pronounced.

We have already said that God’s pattern for marriage in Genesis 2:18-25 establishes a complementary view of manhood and womanhood. Again, complementarianism means that men and women both bear the image of God and are therefore equal in their personhood and worth, but differ in their distinct roles, which complement each other. It celebrates both equality between men and women and the beneficial differences between men and women.

The final thing I want to point out to you before we get started is that the passages we looked last week and the passages we will look at today and in the weeks to come are instruction on what you are to be, not what you are to demand from each other. The issue is not how much you need to get your spouse to change, but how much you need to change. That is the greatest battle that you each will face: will YOU change? With that said, let’s turn our attention to Ephesians 5:22-33. This is one of the richest passages in all of the Bible on marriage and it flows out of Paul’s instruction on Spirit-filled submission (5:21).

1) God Calls Men to be LEADERS: (5:22-24) – Lead as Christ Leads His Bride

i) To be the Head/Leader is to Have Authority (22-24)

“Wives, submit to your own husbands…for the husband is HEAD of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” This passage, along with the rest of the Bible, clearly establishes male headship in marriage. What does headship mean? I would say that it means at least three things. First, it means authority, that the head is the leader. This passage clearly defines someone who is “head” as someone you “submit” to. We saw this established in the first marriage as well. The man was created first. The woman was created both from and for the man to be his helper. Man named the woman. And everything in creation fell apart as a result of this order being turned upside down in Genesis 3. So let us not view male headship and female submission in marriage as bad things, but as good things that, though they may need explanation, are to be embraced.

1 Corinthians 11:3 is so helpful here. This passage uses the Trinity as one example headship, with the Father being the “head” of the Son. This clearly explains that there can be equality of being and yet differentiation in function. In the Trinity, the Son subordinates Himself to the Father without ceasing to be His equal.

ii) To be the Head/Leader is to Bear Primary Responsibility

The second thing that headship means is responsibility. It does not mean sole responsibility, but it does mean primary responsibility. Remember Piper’s definition that I gave you a few weeks ago: “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christ-like, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.”[1] We’ll talk specifics in a minute, but for now I just want you to taste this and feel this and hopefully come to the place where you would own this: that leadership doesn’t assume it is superior, it assumes that it is responsible, and it takes initiative. You are responsible for your children’s spiritual well being. You are responsible for your wife’s spiritual well being. You are responsible to put food on the table. We as men must learn from the failure of our father Adam and take initiative in our homes.

iii) To be the Head/Leader is to be a Servant (22)

Husbands are head of their wives “as Christ is the head of the church.” That phrase profoundly defines what type of leadership God has in mind for a husband. God is pointing men in this passage to the greatest man who ever lived, Jesus Christ. This means that regardless of what our culture calls “manly”, the reality is that the more like Jesus you are, the more of a man you are and less like Jesus you are, the less of a man you are. What kind of leader was Jesus? He was a humble, servant leader (Mark 10:42-45). Servanthood is leadership. This also fits the context of Ephesians 5:22-33, flowing out of the Spirit-filled submission of Ephesians 5:21. To say that the husband is the head of his wife does not grant him the liberty to be a ruthless dictator but a humble servant.

2) God Calls Men to be LOVERS: (5:25-32) – Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves His Bride & Body: this is the overarching command that Paul gives to husbands in this passage.

i) The Nature of This Love

(1) It Sacrifices (25)

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Men, this is what it means for you to love women. Husbands, this is what it means to love your wife and children: to lay your self down for them day in and day out. And while this does mean that a man is ready to step in front of a bus for his family, I think this also means what we saw in Philippians 2:3-4 last week. “In humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is one of most practical ways that you sacrifice yourself everyday for her, by consciously placing her needs before your own.

I also want to point out that sacrifice has both positive (heroic) and negative implications. Sometimes sacrifice will mean enduring sorrows while suffering unjustly. Sometimes sacrifice will mean bearing blame for something that is not our fault. “Leadership must take the lead in reconciliation. I don’t mean that wives should never say they are sorry. But in the relation between Christ and his church, who took the initiative to make all things new? Who left the comfort and security of his throne of justice to put mercy to work at Calvary? Who came back to Peter first after three denials? Who has returned again and again forgiving you and offering his fellowship afresh? Jesus, the Leader, the great initiative-taker.

So, husbands, your headship means: go ahead. Take the lead. It does not matter if it is her fault. That didn’t stop Christ…. woe to you if you think that since it’s her fault, she’s obliged to say the first reconciling word.”[2] What he is saying is that you should do what Christ did and bear your bride’s blame. This is the type of sacrifice that preaches the gospel.

(2) It Protects (25)

I am getting protection out of this passage by simply thinking through the gospel a little further. In the gospel, Christ “gave himself up” for His bride. Why? He did so because her sins had placed her under the just wrath of God. In giving himself up for her, in her place and for her sins, Jesus protected His bride from that wrath to come. This means that a husband bears primary responsibility to protect his family both physically and spiritually. Spiritual protection would include prayer, warning against certain spiritual influences, setting standards to keep certain influences out of the home.

Piper has an illustration that is just too good to pass up on physical protection: “If there is a sound downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t say to her, “…it’s your turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean that – even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on the floor, or you’re no man. That’s written on your soul, brother, by God Almighty. Big or little, strong or weak, night or day, you go up against the enemy first. Woe to the husbands – and woe to the nation – that sends their women to fight their battles.”[3]

(3) It Provides (28-31)

Here the charge is for husbands to love as Christ loves both His Bride and His Body, because they are one and the same. This is a profound idea: that when the church becomes Christ’s bride, she also becomes His body. This is why Genesis 2:24 is quoted here, to show that that is the nature of this “one flesh” union. I am to view my marriage as two spouses with one body.

How does one love His body? One does so by “nourishing” and “cherishing” it. The word “cherishing” is only used one other time by Paul in 1 Thessalonians 2:7 to describe the tender “care” a mother has for her children. I am to provide nourishment and care for my bride (& family) as if I was doing so for my own body. Again, this plays out both physically (food & shelter) and spiritually (Bible intake, instruction, encouragement, seeing to their being in church). As a husband and father, I bear primary responsibility to provide my family with both physical and spiritual food.

(4) It Understands (1 Peter 3:7)

I am taking this last aspect of loving your wife from 1 Peter 3:7, which says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” I take this instruction to mean two things. First, it means that we are to learn and know our wives. Every husband should have doctorate in knowing who his wife is. Secondly, it means that out of that knowledge we are to honor our wives. My wife and I often argue when we are on a date over where to eat because we are trying to let the other one choose where to eat. Sounds silly doesn’t it? She wants me to pick the place, and I want her to eat where she wants, so I insist upon her telling me where she wants to eat. Here is what is convicting about this passage for me: I should know where my wife likes to eat! I should make a suggestion and she should think, “Wow, how did he know I was wanting to eat there?” Ironically, how often do women simply want their men to know what they are thinking without them having to tell them? And how many men are frustrated because she won’t tell them? I think this verse goes to bat for the ladies: meaning that men, we should know them. What are your wife’s strengths, weaknesses, and temptations? Do you know her?

In passing, it is also important to see where this is coming from. We are to do this because we are “heirs” together “of the grace of life.” She is our equal, our partner, and when we fail to honor her properly, our prayers are hindered.

ii) The Goal of This Love

(1) The Glorification of His Bride (26-27)

Notice that when Christ gave Himself up for His bride, He had the end game in mind. He did this so that “he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Christ’s goal in loving His bride this way was her sanctification and her glorification. This means that the goal of my love for my wife should be to see her sanctified (growing in Christ-likeness and holiness) and ultimately beautiful for Christ. My heart should be set, not on what I want my wife to be, but what God wants my wife to be. I should pray for and pursue her holiness. This means that my wife should be more like Christ today than when I first married her. I do find it very instructive the way that Christ is going to sanctify His bride: He is going to wash her with the water of His word. Part of my pursuit of my wife’s growth in the Lord should involve me seeing to the reality that she is continually being washed with the water of His word.

(2) The Glory of His Father (32)

The ultimate goal of Christ’s love for His bride was ultimately the glory of His Father. This too should be the ultimate goal of our love for our wives: that God would be supremely glorified. Our hearts should beat and our lungs should breath for the glory of God. That is what is at ultimately at stake in manhood and womanhood. When we fail to be the men that God calls us to be, we preach a warped message about the goodness and wisdom of God’s creative order to the world and we preach a warped gospel. We warp the portrait of Christ’s covenant love for His bride, the church.

I hope that what you have heard today brings you to a point of desperation and gospel dependence. The catch to loving your wife as Christ loves His is that you are not Jesus. But as Gary Ricucci says, “The glory of the gospel is that God supplies all we lack.”[4] God is able and willing to bring about the obedience that He commands when we put our faith in the finished work of Christ not only to save us, but also to empower us to love and lead like this. Let all of us men come to God today in repentance and humility and ask Him to make us these kinds of men and let all of you ladies pray that God would grant us the grace to be these kinds of men to you.

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[1] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 80

[2] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 91

[3] John Piper, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence,” pg. 91-92

[4] Ricucci, Gary, “Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace”, pg. 34

Marriage and the Gospel

So far, we have seen both the PURPOSE and the PATTERN for every marriage. Last week, we identified the PROBLEM with every marriage: sin. Every marriage now lives under the curse of the fall. Women are assertive, men are either passive or dominating, and both partners are selfish and proud. Death comes forward as a great enemy that will end every marriage. And as we read through the pages of the Old Testament, we see the ripples of sin in marriage as God’s pattern is further distorted through polygamy, divorce, adultery, homosexuality, and the dilution of gender roles.

This presents us with somewhat of a dilemma: If all marriage has been marred by the fall, how will it ever display the covenant love between Jesus Christ and His people? How will it be redeemed? Can it be redeemed? Scripture’s answer is a resounding “YES!” Remember that God promised a Redeemer the day the curse was declared, One who would destroy the serpent’s work (Genesis 3:15). 1 John 3:8 identifies that One as Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:20 says that through the blood of Christ’s cross, God is reconciling “all things” to Himself. That includes marriage. God redeems marriage through the gospel. But He doesn’t just redeem it through the gospel; He also does so for the gospel. What God wants to do through the gospel is to lift marriage out of the mire of the fall and use it to display His covenant love for His people.

Today we are going to consider how God redeems marriage through the gospel and for the gospel and what that looks like when it is fleshed out. We are going to call God redeeming marriage through the gospel something that He does vertically and God redeeming marriage for the gospel something that He does horizontally. The Christian life is both a vertical and a horizontal experience. The vertical/horizontal experience that I am thinking of is the one Jesus used in John 4:14 and John 7:38 of a spring/fountain that is constantly full and overflowing. Jesus described conversion here as Him placing an everlasting, satisfying spring within us that would fill us up and overflow. Vertically, it is us experiencing God’s covenant love by grace through faith and horizontally it is that covenant love overflowing to others.

In other words, displaying covenant love should be the overflow of a regenerated heart. The grace of Christ should overflow into every relationship that we have. Now this is applicable to every relationship that we have, but nowhere is it more important than in marriage because of the unique purpose of the marriage relationship. If there is anywhere that we should see the grace Christ’s covenant love displayed, it is in the home.

1) The Vertical: Covenant Love Begins and is Sustained by God’s Grace being Extended to Us

If we had to find a word in the Bible to encapsulate the way that God’s covenant love is expressed to us, it would be in the word, “GRACE.” God’s expression of His covenant love for us and our experience of that covenant love are summed up in Him lavishing His grace upon us. So marriage then should be full of grace if it is going to display what it is meant to display. But here’s the catch: it is impossible to truly express the type of covenant love that we are talking about without first experiencing it for yourself. In other words, there is no overflow from an empty well. Let’s consider just a few passages to see why I am saying this.

i) Ezekiel 36:22-27

^“22 Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord God: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. ²³ And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them. And the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Lord God, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes. ²⁴ I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. ²⁵ I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. ²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. ²⁸ You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God.

There are two points that I want to make from this passage. First, I want you to see that it takes a new heart to begin obeying and to keep obeying God in the way that we are supposed to. It will take the indwelling of the very Spirit of God. This is the blood bought obedience of the cross that is a reality in the life of every believer. The second thing is that God is doing this solely by His grace and for His glory. They are not receiving this grace because they have been such a good people. They do not deserve it.

ii) Ephesians 2:1-10

^“1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins ² in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— ³ among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. ⁴ But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, ⁵ even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— ⁶ and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his GRACE in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

It is very important to see both what this passage says and what it doesn’t say. It tells us who we were apart from Christ: dead in sin, slaves to Satan and this world, and hostile to God. It also tells us how that reality changed: because God in His grace made us alive. It doesn’t say that we turned over a new leaf at some point, started being good people, and so God then made us alive. He lavished His grace and love upon dead, rebellious enemies who were under His wrath. Why am I making such a big deal about this? It is because thinking through just how much God’s grace overcame in your own life will make it much easier to express this grace to your spouse. Your anger towards your spouse is nothing compared to the wrath of God that was pointed toward you, and it was overcame by His grace. Piper says that we should let the measure of God’s grace to us in the cross be our measure of grace to our spouse.[1]

(1) Philippians 1:6, 2:13

We also learn from scripture that expressing covenant love is something that must be sustained by grace. This is the implication of Philippians 1:6 and Philippians 2:13. Philippians 1:6 tells us that it is God who is bringing to completion the good work that has begun in us. Philippians 2:13 tells us that it is God who works in us both to will and work for His good pleasure. So we are utterly dependent upon the grace of God both in the ability to display this love in the first place and in the ability to continue to display it.

2) The Horizontal: Covenant Love is Displayed and Cultivated by God’s Grace being Extended by Us – Here is the OVERFLOW OF GRACE

i) Displayed:

(1) Ephesians 4:1-3

“¹I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

We are commanded to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord’s calling upon us – with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit. This is a call to Christian UNITY. Where is this more important than in marriage and in the home?

(2) Ephesians 4:17-32 –

¹⁷ Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. ¹⁸ They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. ¹⁹ They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. ²⁰ But that is not the way you learned Christ!— ²¹ assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, ²² to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, ²³ and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

²⁵ Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ²⁶ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷ and give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸ Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ²⁹ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³²Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.^”

(3) Philippians 2:1-5

^{1 “}So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, ² complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. ³ Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,”

(4) Colossians 3:1-21

^{5 “}Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. ⁶ On account of these the wrath of God is coming. ⁷ In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. ⁸ But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. ⁹ Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. ¹¹ Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.

¹² Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (See 2:13-15 ) ¹⁴ And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵ And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. ²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ²¹ Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.^”

ii) Cultivated:

I said that covenant love was also cultivated by this overflow of grace. Here is what I mean by that: as our spouse begins to overflow the grace of God toward us, that display of covenant love causes us to fall in love with them. Romance begins to be rekindled where it was thought to be lost. Why should this display of grace cause us to fall in love with them all over again? It is because when my wife begins to respond to me with this overflowing grace we have seen, she begins to remind me of someone. She begins to remind me of my Savior. So I begin to fall in love with her all over again because she is displaying the beauty of my Savior me.

I think this is one place you really find out whether someone in a marriage is truly a believer or not. When a spouse begins to display covenant love and grace to you and you don’t find that attractive at all, I have to conclude that you very possibly don’t have a new heart. As long as there is single breath in a believer’s new heart, it will be drawn to the beauty of its Savior. My prayer today is that if you have never encountered this amazing covenant love of Jesus Christ and been made alive in Him, that you would come to Him in humility and faith today. And if you have, my prayer is that you would humble yourself before Him in faith and utter dependence in order to see this reality of overflowing grace in your home.

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[1] Piper, John, “This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence.” Pg. 46